On March 14th, 2017 we found out that our sweet little daughter, Sawyer Marie, had passed away. At 39+3 weeks pregnant her little heart stopped beating suddenly and unexpectedly. She was born with the most perfect little red lips and the chubbiest little newborn thighs.
I didn’t know what to do with myself, all I wanted was Sawyer. I wanted to spend my days curled up in bed with the blankets over my head (and gin in my hand if I am being perfectly honest) but I had my 2.5 year old son to worry about and take care of.
Shortly after Sawyer died I headed down to my sewing room to finish a quilt I had started for my son. I hadn’t spent a lot of time down there since my son was born aside from a few projects here and there and it felt good and comforting to be in there. I was able to lose myself in my projects and found comfort in the process.
I have been quilting since 2011 and had tried a few clothing items but really fell in love with making clothes for my son and his little friends. I started to sew things for Sawyer, things that I had been excited to sew for her before she was born, little rompers and dresses, sweaters and grow with me pants. She wasn’t here to wear them but it brought me comfort getting to make things for her.
Late in the fall I started to think about her birthday and what Sawyer would be doing when she turned 1 if she had been here with us. She would probably be walking (running like her brother??) and she would probably be busy (oh so busy!) I started searching for the perfect dress pattern, I tried out quite a few on my friends daughters and had my friends on the search for the perfect pattern as well (thank you Tania, I appreciate you so much). Suddenly a few weeks ago I stumbled on the perfect dress. I had found this fabric from Rifle Paper months ago and tucked it away waiting for the perfect dress.
Yesterday a friend showed up with cupcakes and that beautiful sign for my little blog here, and that cute little cupcake topper. I couldn’t resist putting them together with her little dress I made for her little birthday celebration.
This past year has been hard, impossible a lot of the time but we have had the most amazing community surrounding us. That first month there was a meal train set up and the most amazing meals were delivered. Some other amazing friends organized a fundraiser and we were able to get a beautiful bench and tree at our local park dedicated to our little Sawyer.
I am going to go up whenever Spring shows up and get a photo of her little pink cherry blossom tree in bloom. It was put in in November so I am hoping it survived the winter!
Thank you so much to this amazing community who lifted us up and always keep Sawyer in their hearts. It means the world to me to know that while she doesn’t get to be here with us she is never far from everyones thoughts and she is remembered and celebrated.
Here is a poem written by Edward Searl that was read at Sawyers Memorial when we unveiled the bench, it puts to words what I have never been able to properly say.
My little, one, my dear one, my love, you will be with me forever: in the thin sunlight and long shadows of a clear winter’s day; in the dawn excitement of birds sounding in early spring;
In the beauty of apple blossoms and butterflies.
In the rustle of heavy-leafed trees in a mid-summer’s night; In the rich aromas and bright colours of a warm autumn day.
All that is excellent, brushed by Life’s brightness and shadow, will remind me of you.
My little one, my dear one, my love. You will beat with my heart, see through my eyes, hear with my ears, feel on my skin. Because your soul is mingled with my soul, forever, My little one, my dear one, my love.
I love you my sweet little baby girl.